Things Not to Say During Sex

[Torch 7.62]

Is that smell coming from you?
You're so much like your sister....
Your mom's cute.
What's your name again?
Do i have to be here in the morning?
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
Is this a sin too?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Is it in?
That's it?
You've got to be kidding me.
(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
Do i have to pay for this?
Do i have to call you tomorrow?
Oh momma, momma!
Oh dadda, dadda!
You look better in the dark. 11)i thought that goes in the other hole....
Don't tell my husband/wife.
You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
This sucks.
Can you finish now? i have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! is that all you know what to do.
Did I tell you, i have herpes?
Hurry up, the games about to start.
zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can i have a ride home after this?
By the way, i want to break up.
Haven't you ever done this before?
Wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
A second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
You're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!!!
Take off that damn monkey glove!!
Get your hand out of there!!
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
Fire one!
God, that is small!!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Who smells like fish?
Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
Your best-friend does it much better.
Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
You're fogging up the wind-sheild.
Can i borrow 5 bucks?
What the hell noise was that?!
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
You know, you're not really attractive.
I'm sorry, i was not listening.
What, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
Stop interrupting me!!
I have to take a crap.
Did i leave the iron on?
Your breath is funky.
It's ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
God i wish you were a real woman.
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
Oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shoot.
Your breast milk is like my mom's....
You're hairy!!
Is it o.k. if i never see you again?
Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
Don't make that face at me!
All of a sudden i have a headache.
You're boring.
How much do i owe you?
How come we each have a penis?
Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
Just use your finger, its bigger.
Does your family have to watch?
We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
Get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
The only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
My mom taught me this.....
How cute... peach fuzz!
Damn girl! My breasts are bigger than yours!
Should i ask why you're bleeding?
This is my pet rat, larry....
I haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
Is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
You're no better than my brother!!
Mooooo!!
Fire in the hole!!!
I wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
Hurry up, i'm late for a date.
OK start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
I'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
(Start reciting the 10 commandments).
I think I just crapped on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.
Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

[Phalanx]

LMAO Torch, you gotta have WAY too much time on your hands. That s**t is funny as hell!

[TimberWolf762]

Thankfully, I've never heard any of those. I did laugh out loud once when a girl claimed she was a virgin. Then I looked her in the eyes, unzipped my jeans, and she immediately began proving herself a liar.

Another time in a nightclub, this bitchy girl that I didn't like decided to throw herself at me. I told her to go away a couple of times but that didn't help. So I took her back to my place and we got it on. Then I told her to get dressed, that I was going back to the club. She said she thought she was going to spend the night. I told her that she wasn't that good.

LOL! Naturally she was furious. We went back to the club and she went straight for some other guy that had been chasing her and dragged him out the door. She never came in the club again, and there were 3 or 4 girls that were buying me beer because they hated the girl and loved that I had humilated her and run her off. I got some action out of 2 of them, too - but that's another story.

I had a long and very misspent youth.