Signs of the Zodiac

[TimberWolf762]

Signs of the Zodiac

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and
people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and
are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are clingy, jealous, and moody. Everyone hates you. Cancers are the main reason for divorce, suicide, murder, and domestic abuse. The crime rate would drop by 50% if all Cancers were strangled at birth.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.

[dead0man]

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.



Also, my sig is our squad link